Over-Apologizing: Strategies to End the Pattern
Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.
Public Speaking and Asking Questions
This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.
Finding the Source
A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.
How Therapy Can Help
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.
Practical Steps
Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.
This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.
